"We'll be washed and buried one day, my girl, And the time we were given will be left for the world. The flesh that lived and loved will be eaten by plague, So let the memories be good for those who stay.
"And if your strife strikes at your sleep, Remember: spring swaps snow for leaves. You'll be happy and wholesome again When the city clears and sun ascends."
I know leather, sweat, all weather, the desire becoming need to move, to be physically spent and empty, tested and whole. I know dirty and simple, basic being most comfortable, the insignificant being most important, most pure and alive.
My body is a rhythm machine and also a silent speech. My mind is a painting, a film, and the sun moving, all mixed and mashed together. It is a knife. My heart is an ocean. My words are memory, and seasons, and photographs. Music enters me and plays out as motion; motion is music. I know ages between sentences, between words, between notes.
I am smarter than...what?
I could do anything, sure. I could be a surgeon, run a business, be a leader.
Last I heard, any fucktard could be a surgeon.
I don't disguise my faults as assets. I don't need what you need, and I don't need to be what you need me to be. I really can't be anything but what I wish the world was.
I am strong enough to smash against a wall. I am educated enough to intellectualize my decisions and beliefs out of existence, to unwind my own dreams. I am in touch enough to bleed out. I am smart enough to become stupid in places where my intelligence is a only a hindrance.
This sounds silly, maudlin, airy, dramatic, oh-poor-artistic-girl of me, and you're free to judge me and my thoughts however you want. I'd hide if you weren't. I would not share. I don't put this shit down because I think I'm right or that you'll agree. I'm just warning you that I am not alone in my thoughts and feelings and ideals. I'm not even warning you, because a warning is a threat and I've no need to threaten. I am simply reminding you:
I am strong, educated, smart, and alive.
You don't see it. That doesn't mean it isn't there. It's not my problem that you can't, don't, won't see.
"What she's learned is what she always learns. Plato was right. We're all of us immortal. We couldn't die if we wanted to.
"Every day of her life, every minute of her life, if she could just remember that." - Chuck Palahniuk
This little field sits scooped into the earth, steep on one side and flanked in thin woodiness, a stream. The afternoon glows gray with the trees on fire in their funeral best, the leaves shivering in the wind. Crouched on top of the hill, I can feel a horse underneath me, maybe flying a drop fence.
I wonder if I haven't simply, stupidly backed myself into a corner with all this over-thinking the "why" of horses and being with them. Maybe I'm nothing but a ridiculous and incorrect pseudo-philosopher about all of it. I know for sure that I'm highly skilled at the art of confusing myself into oblivion. I could be totally right, too - but what's changed is that I don't care and I'm not trying to figure it out anymore.
A simple thought comes to me on the hill. Horses don't naturally gallop over fences set on the crest of a drop, nor do humans naturally run marathons, for example. Both horses and humans in their basic natures live as wanderers, nomads doing nothing more than covering moderate distances at a mild, steady pace and existing along the way. Yet both can intelligently be developed to run, to dance, to fly, to do things they aren't necessarily born doing but are quite often inspired to do and are capable of.
There is much we are all capable of becoming, given the alchemy of intelligence, heart, desire, and these strange machines called bodies. Much of these latent capabilities are pure beautiful. I'm not suggesting that just because you can, you should - yet, if you can and subsequently you do, then do. There's nothing more to it than that.
I've seen many a horse mid-flight and utterly at ease in body and eyes. Ears forward, heart open. Something to consider, that's all.
"He who knows he is a fool is not the biggest fool; he who knows he is confused is not in the worst confusion." - Chuang Tzu