Sunday, November 14, 2010

If She Could Just Remember That

10:00 p.m.

I know leather, sweat, all weather, the desire becoming need to move, to be physically spent and empty, tested and whole. I know dirty and simple, basic being most comfortable, the insignificant being most important, most pure and alive. 

My body is a rhythm machine and also a silent speech. My mind is a painting, a film, and the sun moving, all mixed and mashed together. It is a knife. My heart is an ocean. My words are memory, and seasons, and photographs. Music enters me and plays out as motion; motion is music. I know ages between sentences, between words, between notes. 

I am smarter than...what? 

I could do anything, sure. I could be a surgeon, run a business, be a leader. 

Last I heard, any fucktard could be a surgeon. 

I don't disguise my faults as assets. I don't need what you need, and I don't need to be what you need me to be. I really can't be anything but what I wish the world was. 

I am strong enough to smash against a wall. I am educated enough to intellectualize my decisions and beliefs out of existence, to unwind my own dreams. I am in touch enough to bleed out. I am smart enough to become stupid in places where my intelligence is a only a hindrance. 

This sounds silly, maudlin, airy, dramatic, oh-poor-artistic-girl of me, and you're free to judge me and my thoughts however you want. I'd hide if you weren't. I would not share. I don't put this shit down because I think I'm right or that you'll agree. I'm just warning you that I am not alone in my thoughts and feelings and ideals. I'm not even warning you, because a warning is a threat and I've no need to threaten. I am simply reminding you:

I am strong, educated, smart, and alive. 

You don't see it. That doesn't mean it isn't there. It's not my problem that you can't, don't, won't see. 

2:00 a.m.

"What she's learned is what she always learns. Plato was right. We're all of us immortal. We couldn't die if we wanted to. 

"Every day of her life, every minute of her life, if she could just remember that." - Chuck Palahniuk

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